This page updated 9 July, 2022
The third jokes page. Click here to go to ... irony: jokes page
(An Obituary printed in the London Times - received 27 July 2010 - Interesting and sadly rather true)
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years, although, increasingly, sadly invisibly. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and, Maybe it was my fault?
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense had lost much ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. His health declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and/or wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense slowly lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. He also in a Clockwork Orange sort of way once took a real beating during a home invasion when he found you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and that the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and following the poor example of this sort of legal nonsense in the US, was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
The demise of Common Sense was preceded by the passing of his well-respected parents, Truth and Trust, by his beloved wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason (known in much older days as Apollo).
He is survived by his six stepbrothers; How do you know?, I feel entitled, I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm a Victim
Few attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass on a copy of this obituary. If not, join the majority and do nothing. No one will notice, we sadly predict.
(Brilliant snooping on Snopes by Lou Farina, one of this website's fans, has ascertained that the above "essay" on Common Sense is actually the work of Ms. Lori Borgman and was first published in the Indianapolis Star on 15 March 1998. The version often attributed to George Carlin (as above) differs in a number of ways from Ms. Borgman's original, Snopes says. Just for the record, which some people value. -Ed.)
Subject: FW: Australian Tourism Website
(And this came from an American!!!!)
These items were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do... __________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Other jokes on the same topic ...
An American woman (apparently, God help us, a teacher) who was contemplating a holiday in Australia, asked her Australian friend: "When it is April in America, what month is it in Australia?"
An American woman touring the Opera House in Sydney turns to her companion and says: "Í don’t believe it - it is January and yet it is so damn hot!"
An Australian tour operator, responding to a query about our wildlife from a particularly obnoxious American thinking about a holiday here: "The snakes in Australia are really tame and friendly, particularly the brown ones. So when you come here, pick one up and give it a cuddle."
From an Australian woman friend of this website (true story) ... and I was in Minnesota in the biggest (read: terrifying) shopping mall in the Northern Hemisphere, just 12 hours off the plane, in a big shop like Myers (in Melbourne).
Young shop assistant (male YSA): "Yur naht from roun' here, are yuh?"
Me: "Not really."
YSA(M): "Where you frahm?"
YSA(M) Thinks carefully: "Do they speak with an accent in Awstraya?"
Me: Thinking carefully and looking at him: "Yeah. Just like you do here."
(Older female shop assistant behind him starts laughing. He didn't get it. Sigh, oh well, I tried.)
This letter was sent in 1998 to Scott Williams, of Rhode Island, USA, who had relentlessly sent items he dug up in his back yard, labelled them with pseudo-scientific names and sent them to the Smithsonian Institution, insisting they were archaeological finds.
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20078
Dear Mr Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institution, labelled "93211-D, layer seven next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin.
1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the giant carnivorous Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation and partially due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation phylogeny department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter and several of us are pressing for the director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifititation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Computer Advertising Terms Defined
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Doug and Phil the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone. I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothing. Men must shave, but it's not so bad, 'coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing.
Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo
steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
“route march” - just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock. This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter.
I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before Ekka. All's ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo-shooting truck when you reload. Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.
Turns out, I'm not a bad boxer either, and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 15 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter, Sharee
Subject: Excuse me
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations
building in New York City. He approached four men waiting
to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and
a resident New Yorker.
He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion
on the current meat shortage?"
The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"
The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"
The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me'?"
The Generation Gap:
big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen
saying it was impossible for their generation to understand
his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student
we have television, jet planes, space travel,
nuclear energy, computers, the internet..."
advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the
right sonny . We didn't have those things when we
were young... so we invented them!"
Another collection from the US Net
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy.
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . ... . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Subject: Thinking outside the square
SHIT HAPPENS, as in in various world religions
TAOISM: Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".
ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)
JESUIT: If shit happens and nobody is watching, is it really shit?
ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.
COMMUNISM. Equal shit happens to all people.
CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.
PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?
REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
MYSTICISM: What weird shit!
AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?
ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!
NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?
AZTEC: Cut out this shit!
QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.
FORTEANISM: No shit??
12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.
VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!
NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.
DEISM: Shit just happens.
EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.
BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.
SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.
HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.
WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!
HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.
THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.
DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.
JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.
MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.
HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.
STOICISM: This shit is good for me.
OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.
EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.
REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down.
FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.
CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.
EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.
For the information of Madam, Miss, girlfriend, fiancee, wife, spouse, mistress and all other females:
1. If you think
you're fat, then you probably are. Don't ask me that question, I
. 2. If you want something, just ask. Let's be clear: WE ARE SIMPLE. We do NOT understand subtle indirect questions. Indirect questions don't work. Even obvious indirect questions don't work. Just tell it as it is!
3. If you ask a question that you don't want answered, then don't be surprised if you get one that you don't want to hear.
4. We are SIMPLE. If I ask you to pass on the bread then I don't mean anything but just that! I don't blame you for the bread not being on the table. There are neither insinuations nor accusations. We are really SIMPLE.
5, We are SIMPLE. It serves no purpose to ask me what I think about. For 9.5% of my time I think about sex. No, we are NOT obsessed. It is simply the thing that pleases us best.
6. We are SIMPLE. Sometimes I don't think about you. That is no problem. Don't ask me what I'm thinking about unless you are ready to talk: politics, economy, philosophy, football, alcohol consumption, tits assessment or beautiful cars or motorbikes.
7. Friday, Saturday, Sunday = Lots of food = friends = football on TV = booze = is male manners. It is like full moon, the tides: inevitable.
8. Shopping is NO fun. Men will never like it.
9. When we go somewhere, whatever you wear: it looks great. I swear!
10.You have enough clothes, you have enough shoes. Crying is blackmail. Bankrupting myself is NOT - as I see it -a sign of love for you.
11.Most men have three pairs of shoes. I say it once again: we are SIMPLE. What gives you the idea that I can help you decide which of your thirty pairs of shoes suit you best?
12.Simple answers like YES and NO are completely acceptable, whatever the question may be.
13.If you have a problem, only ask for my help if you want to solve the problem. Don't ask me to sympathize with you as if I am one of your girlfriends.
14. A 17-months' headache is NO headache. Go see a doctor.
15. If I say something that can be interpreted in two ways and one of them makes you anxious or unhappy, then I mean the other one. 16.Men see only 16 colors. Plumbs are fruit, not color. 17. And what the hell is FUCHSIA? Moreover, how do you spell the bloody word?
18.Watching sports on TV pleases us as much as you love to have handbags. We don't understand THAT!
19. When I ask you if something is wrong, and you say "Nothing" then I will believe you and pretend that nothing is wrong.
20. Don't ask me if I love you. If I didn't, I would not be here!
21. The basic rule: In case of the minutest doubt in whatever case: Go for the simplest!
WE ARE REALLY SIMPLE
"In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea 'Axis of
Evil"-N.Y. Times, 1/30/02
ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs
Beijing ?? Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.
"Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
A European Parliament spokesman has confirmed that in order to comply with the conditions for joining the Single Currency, the phrase 'spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st December 2001.
From this date the correct terminology will be 'euronating'
Ireland's worst ever air disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 63 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. And, the pick of the bunch:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a*hole.
More alternative meanings, from The Washington Post
1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk..
5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.
12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.
A little humour at their expense ...
1. WHY DO MEN
BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius) Yah
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO
FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(They don't stop for directions)
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(Because they don't have penises to put them
6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(They're intended for children, but men
usually end up playing with
7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR
(Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(It is sex with someone they love)
9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(You need a rough draft before you make a
11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(So he can tell if he's coming or going)
12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Nobody knows since it has never happened)
13. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
(Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument)
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN/MEN AND REMAIN POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not horny - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT- She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK
ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME -He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING- He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He Becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.
"Just wait until we get home."
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
Meeting a challenge...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
Becoming an adult...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
"You're just like your father."
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."
If you've got melted chocolate all over your
hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit; so eat as many as you want.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal; it'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat
all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But IF you can't eat
all your chocolate, what's wrong with you??
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings!!
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit!
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price
range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission by the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
I WANT TO GO BACK IN TIME WHEN...
Decisions were made by going
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minutes ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormenters, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life.
I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!!!!!
From Dave Barry
1. You will never
find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight-savings time.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her body at that moment.
3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command; very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your friends love you, anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.
18. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
19. The most valuable function performed by the Federal government is entertainment.
20. A penny saved is worthless.
21. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the micro-organisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
22. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers. (Actually its not the computer's fault ... The blame belongs with the phenomenal success of Seinfeld - GP)
23. Nobody is normal.
24. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
25. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
26. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
Potent Ponderables . . .
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it really going to be?
Isn't Disney World a "people trap" operated by a mouse?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? . . .Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
At my age, flowers scare me (George Burns)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Subject: upgrade your puter-speak
You can't be cool if you're using outdated lingo. Here's the latest from the Corporate and Silicon Valley jungles.
1. percussive maintenance: the fine art of whacking a device to get it working
2. prairie dogging: in companies where everyone has a cubicle- something happens and everyone pops up to look;
3. blowing your buffer: losing your train of thought
4. yuppie food coupons: twenty dollar bills from an ATM
5. computer treeware: manuals and documentation
6. batmobiling: putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile, as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling")
7. beepilepsy: afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech
9. betamaxed: when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"
10. cobweb: a WWW site that never changes;
11. going postal: totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who go on shooting rampages;
12. high dome: egghead, scientist, Ph.D.;
13. elvis year: the peak year of popularity, as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year"
14. generica: fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions, as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"
15. irritainment: annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g. the O.J. trial;
16. meatspace: the physical world (as opposed to the virtual), also "carbon community", "facetime", "F2F", "RL"
17. salmon day: swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end;
18. siliwood or hollywired: the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers.
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown-haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black-haired woman. The black-haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
NB: Note: According to an astute reader, this article "is almost verbatim from a column and later a book collection by writer William Safire of the New York Times."
HOW TO WRITE GOOD
by Frank L. Visco
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
Frank L. Visco is a vice-president and senior copywriter at USAdvertising.
Subject: Fw: Fwd:
started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now
and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to
another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began
to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself but I knew
it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me,
and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things
began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and
asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at
her mother's. I began to think on the job.
25 Signs That You Have Grown Up
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, " I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
GROWING UP IN AUSTRALIA
I'm talking about hide and seek in the park. The corner milk bar, hopscotch, billy carts, cricket in front of the garbage bin and inviting everyone on your street to join in, skipping, handball, handstands, elastics, bullrush, catch & kiss, footy on the best lawn in the street, slip 'n' slide, the trampoline with water on it, hula hoops, stepping in puddles, mud pies and building dams in the gutter.
The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass. "Big bubbles no troubles" with Hubba Bubba bubble gum. A choc-top. Mr. Whippy cone on a warm summer night after you've chased him round the block. 20 cents worth of mixed lollies lasted a week and pretending to smoke "fags" (the lollies) was really cool & Maison would get you pissed! Or so we were told. A dollars' worth of chips from the corner take-away fed two people (AND the sauce was free!!). Being upset when you botched putting on the temporary tattoo from the bubblegum packet, but still wearing it proudly. Watching Saturday morning cartoons: 'The Smurfs', AstroBoy', 'He-Man', 'Captain Caveman', 'Archie', 'Jem' (truly outrageous!!), 'The Wizard of Oz', 'Banana Man' and 'Heeeey heeeeey heeeeeeey it's faaaaaaat Albert'. Or staying up late and sneaking a look at the "AO" on the second telly. When 'Monkey Magic' with fish face & pigsy had a cult following. Miraculous Mellops. & who could ever forget Degrassi Jnr High?
When around the corner seemed a long way, and going into town seemed like going somewhere. Where running away meant you did laps of the block because you weren't allowed to cross the road?? A million mozzie bites, wasp and bee stings. Sticky fingers, cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, riding bikes and catching tadpoles. Marco polo in the neighbours' pool ("fish outta water?!" "NOOOO"), drawing all over the road and driveway with chalk. Climbing trees and building cubbies out of every sheet your mum had in the cupboard.
Walking to school, no matter what the weather. When writing 'I love ...?..' on your pencil case, really did mean it was true love "He loves me? he loves me not?" Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Pitching the tent in the back/front yard. Jumping on the bed. Ghosts stories with the next door neighbours. Pillowfights, spinning round, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for the giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Cricket cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Eating raw jelly, making homemade lemonade and sucking on a Funny Face, Paddle Pop or red Icy Pole. Remember when there were only two types of sneakers - girls and boys. Dunlop volleys with the green 'n' gold or blue and what, the only time you wore them at school was for "sports day." Bloomers in primary school & Scungies under netball skirts. You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents! It wasn't odd to have two or three "best friends" & you would ask them by sending a note asking them to be your best friend. You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve and pretended to sleep for the Tooth Fairy. When nobody owned a pure-bred dog. When 50c was decent pocket money. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 10c. When nearly everyone's mum was there when the kids got home from school. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at the local Chinese restaurant with your family. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed her or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! Some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Remember when decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo" or dib dib's-scissors, paper, rock. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly". Terrorism was when the older kids were at the end of your street with pea-shooters waiting to ambush you.
More of Washington Post's famous new definitions for the dictionary
again, The Washington Post has published its yearly contest in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words (and
leave it to the Post to search for new meanings). And the winners are ...
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
24. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
26. You should not confuse your career with your life.
27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
28. Never lick a steak knife.
29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
33. Your friends love you anyway.
34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
We all have to fail sometimes. But there's something glorious about failing with style.
Some great examples of exam answers from the most clueless - and
inventive - of students. Some are very nearly right ("What happens to
your body when taking a breath? Your chest gets bigger"), but some are
very wrong indeed (Is the moon or the sun more important? The moon gives
us sight at night when we need it. The sun only provides light in the
day when we don't. Therefore the moon is more important).
Laugh ... and weep for the state of education!
1) _Classical Studies_
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie
3) _General Studies_
Question: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the amount of
television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question he could
Answer: How much TV do you watch?
4) _Classical Studies_
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones.
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.
Answer: Early death.
Question: What are the Pyramids?
Answer: The Pyramids are a large mountain range which splits France and Spain.
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television.
Question: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth Bennet
realise her true feelings for Mr Darcy?
Answer: When she sees him coming out of the lake.
Question: What do we call a person forced to leave their home perhaps by
a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go to.
10) _Religious Studies_
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Question: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500 different
species of fruit fly. Give a reason for this.
Answer: There are approximately 500 varieties of fruit?
12) _Physics_ Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels Answer: Fire.
Question: Define the term "intensive farming".
Answer: It is when a farmer never has a day off.
Question: Change 7/8 to a decimal
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar
16) _General Studies_
Question: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and unexpected event in
someone's life. Give two examples of unexpected life events.
Answer: 1) death 2) Reincarnation
Question: What was introduced in the Children's Charter of 1908?
1 _Business Studies
_Question_:_ Explain the word "wholesaler".
Answer: Someone who sells you whole items - eg, a whole cake
_Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Question:What artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red
Answer: The Sewage Canal
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse
Question: Expand 2 (x + y)
Answer: 2 ( x + y ) 2 ( x + y ) 2 ( x + y )
23) _Business Studies_
Question: Assess Fashion House pls's choice to locate its factory near
Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?
Answer: No. People from Birmingham aren't very fashionable.
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.
Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer: Unusual names.
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Frankie for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Frankie's roommate is.
During the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Frankie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Frankie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Frankie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. ? You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Several days later, Frankie received a response email from his MaMa which read:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving MaMa
Moral: Never Bulla Shita you MaMa
Your call is important to us so please use the following menu system to shorten your wait:
If you are a bandleader wishing to know your opinion of yourself, press 1
If you are a tuba/sousaphone player in a "classic' jazz band enquiring which beats you will be expected to play on, press 1 and 3
If you are a drummer wanting to know on which beats to press your hi-hat pedal, press 2 and 4 - regularly spaced if you can manage it.
If you are a banjo player enquiring about how many strings to buy for a complete re-stringing of your instrument, press 4
If you are old enough to remember Dave Brubeck press 5 then 4
If you are an agent wanting to know how much commission to charge, press 15. Or 20. Or 25. Or whatever number you fancy
If you want to know the REAL length in minutes of a jazz musician's 15-minute interval' enter any number in excess of 45.
If you are at a cultural crossroads between jazz and rhythm & blues and can't decide which route to take, press 66
If you are over 60 and always forget to play the coda, press RECALL
If you wish to express your opinion of what your bandleader makes of gig arrangements, press HASH
If you are a bebop tenor player press as many keys as fast as you can for 20 minutes or more or until the room is empty, whichever comes first