This page updated 1 May, 2019

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NB: Some short jokes and one-liners in various categories are at the bottom of this file.

Subject: FW: God's TQM Questionnaire

From retired astronomer Eugene Epstein

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will remain completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ YHVH
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D. [the big purple dinosaur]
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea leaves
___ est
___ CompuServe
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggart
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ Barney Fife
___ Other:___________

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
(Circle one.)
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know ...what's divine intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate, on a scale of 1 = unsatisfactory to 5 = excellent, His handling of the following:

Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

P.S. The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

Top 35 oxymorons

35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline Food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt Head
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
And the number one top Oxymoron is ...
1. Microsoft Works


THE RULES

The FEMALE always makes The Rules.
The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrongly.
The MALE must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times.
Unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.
The MALE who doesn't abide by The Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.
Any attempts to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.
The MALE must be ready at all times.

True Love

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?
For those of you who have any questions, or misplaced envy, this should clear it up:

Love: When your eyes meet across a crowded room. Lust: When your tongues meet across a crowded room. Marriage: When you lose your child in crowded room.

Love: When intercourse is called "making love." Lust: When intercourse is called "screwing." Marriage: What the hell are you talking about?

Love: When you share everything you own. Lust: When you steal everything they own. Marriage: When the bank owns everything.

Love: When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. Lust: When the relationship is over if you don't climax. Marriage: What's a climax?

Love: When you write poems about your partner. Lust: When all you write is your phone number. Marriage: When all you write is cheques.

Love: When you show concern for your partner's feelings. Lust: When you couldn't give a &*%$ Marriage: When your only concern is what's on TV.

Love: When your farewell is "I love you, darling ..." Lust: When your farewell is "So, same time next week ..." Marriage: When your farewell is a relief.

Love: When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. Lust: When you only see each other naked. Marriage: When you never see each other awake.

Love: When your heart flutters every time you see them. Lust: When your groin twitches every time you see them. Marriage: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love: When nobody else matters. Lust: When nobody else knows. Marriage: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

Love: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. Lust: When the song on the radio determines how you do it. Marriage: When you listen to talk radio.

Love: When breaking up is something you try not to think about. Lust: When staying together is something you try not to think about. Marriage: When just getting through today is your only thought.

Love: When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. Lust: When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. Marriage: When you're only interested in your golf score.

Boy Scout Trip

(From "the Net")

Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.

We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Jordie
P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Interpretation

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


Q. What's an Australian kiss?
A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!


VAN GOGH'S FAMILY TREE


Submitted by Lovely Lucy

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
the bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Subject: Sayings that should be on buttons...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I really wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd have put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may I screw you over today?
26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil ...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
46. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. One of us is thinking about sex ... OK, it's me.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
55. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. It's sick, the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
69. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
73. Does this condom make me look fat?
74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
80. It ain't the size, it's ... no, it's the size.
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82. I'm not tense, I'm just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?


Life in the singles bar: great female comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

M: "Is this seat empty?" W: "Yeah, and this one will be too if you sit down."

M: "So, wanna go back to my place?" W: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

M: "Your place or mine?" W: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

M: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" W: "It's in the phone book."

M: "But I don't know your name." W: "That's in the phone book too."

M: "So, what do you do for a living?" W: "I'm a female impersonator."

M: "What sign were you born under?" W: "No Parking."

M: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" W: "STOP"

M: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" W: "Unfertilized."

M: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason." W: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

M: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." W: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

M: "I know how to please a woman." W: "Then please leave me alone."

M: "I want to give myself to you." W: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

M: "I can tell that you want me." W: "Oooohh. You are sooo right. I want you to leave."

M: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." W: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

M: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" W: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."


M: "Your body is like a temple." W: "Sorry, there are no services today."

M: "I'd go through anything for you." W: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

M: "I would go to the end of the world for you." W: "Yes, but would you stay there?"


Quotes from 11-year-olds' science exams


Compiled by Mark Hemming UK.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you breathe you inspire. When you do not breathe you expire.
H2o is hot water and co2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odourless gas it is probably carbon monoxide.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up another.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, & then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the poe lives.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To keep milk from going sour: Keep it in the cow.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forgot where the sun joins in the fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Litter: A nest of young puppies.
Artificial Insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

**************************

Alcohol is everything ...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
Anonymous
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
Anonymous (well, go on then, I'll admit it, that one's mine!)
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Anonymous
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven ...
Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
Homer Simpson

****************************

You know you're in Austin, Texas, when ....

Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are visible.
You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
You never bother looking at the Capital Metro schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing pants in November is just visiting from Ohio.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Mandarin or a building your own web site class.
You haven't been to Hippie Hollow since the first month you moved to Austin.
A man walks on The Drag in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice. A woman walks on The Drag with live poultry. You don't notice.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight, and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.
You occasionally see a guy on a unicycle whiz by you in your car and you say to yourself, "Oh yeah, it's that guy again ..."
You start to worry when you don't see the cross- dressing-bearded-guy- n-a-tutu-and-bikini-top who-has-made-a- statement with-his-grocery-cart and cardboard-box-art/shelter on your way to work in the morning.
You'll make dinner or bar plans around who's got the best margaritas.
You have a tough time deciding on one of Austin's six 24-hour eating options (IHOP, Denny's, Katz', Kerbey, Stars, or Magnolia Cafe).
You complain about their prices but still shop at Central Market for the scene.
You don't even think about getting good seats to the Longhorns.
You know the exact locations of 3 towing yards.
Your summer shoes are your Birks and your winter shoes are your Birks with socks
Your entire wardrobe consists of: a black tank-top, a GAP white T-shirt, second-hand Levi's, second-hand cut-off Levis, overalls, Longhorns sweats, anything polyester from the 70's, a bikini, Tevas, Birkenstocks, and running shoes.
Dressing up to go out means throwing a tank top on over the sports bra you've had on all day because it's so DAMN HOT.
You often find yourself wondering why magazine editors insist that swimsuit season starts on Memorial Day when it's really the end of February or at the latest, the beginning of March.
You consider chips, salsa, Kerby Queso, and Shiner a well-balanced meal.
You find yourself making beaded necklaces to give away as Christmas gifts.
100 degrees for three straight months isn't unreasonable, 110 degrees is, and 90 degrees anywhere between May and September seems a little chilly.
You figure skin cancer is inevitable because it's so DAMN HOT, even your sunscreen won't stay on.
When you go out, you make sure you've grabbed your water bottle before checking to see if you've got your wallet and keys.
You don't mind parking a mile away as long as it's in the shade.
Nobody's aware that Southwestern went out of style.
You ask yourself constantly if that's a cute guy or a butch girl. And you really don't care either way cuz it's fun to wonder.
You'd rather ride your bike than get in a car without air conditioning. At least on your bike, you're guaranteed a breeze regardless of traffic.
You see more Texas flags flying than American flags.

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Even more one-liners ...

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.
Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses ... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

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Even more one-liners

Subtle revenge from India: Death by hurry curry.




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